Bad bitches.

I’ve been spending time with an old friend recently, someone who knows me completely. It’s hard to find those people, but when you spend at least an hour a week with someone for years and years, they kind of get to know you like…entirely. So this friend told me that as long as she’s ever known me, she’s always seen me as having two very different, but very present sides. There’s the one side that worries a lot. The side that is timid and shy, the side that’s occasionally used my OCD like a sheet to cover up things I didn’t want seen, the side that lets people (whether directly or indirectly) dictate my actions. That’s the side that I’ve identified with for a lot of my life. Then, she says, there’s this side of me that’s bold and strong. The side that comes out when I get my nose pierced at barely 18 even though I know my mom will be furious. It’s the side that dresses me in floral dresses paired with lace-up combat boots. It’s the side that’s responsible for my famous attitude that has gotten me in trouble with countless people countless times. My friend says that’s the side that’s always frightened my mom.

I thought all this time that I just was a timid person. I never pictured myself an empowered woman that speaks her mind. I figured that just wasn’t in my personality, and that’s all there was to it. But the more I talk to this friend, and in turn myself, I realize that that shy girl is most definitely not who I truly am. Recently, for whatever reason, that fearful side has been making quite an appearance, though. But the truth is that I am willful and strong and tired of letting the shadowy side of me make all the decisions.

Because God only knows who all reads this blog, I can’t go into detail about the situation I just encountered that made me realize the things I’ve realized, but let’s just say that I got myself into quite the compromising position. I was in a place that I REALLY didn’t want to be in. Like I would have rather pulled my fingernails off one by one than be in this…situation. I would have given anything in the world to have someone call me just then and bail me out. I didn’t want it, I DIDN’T WANT IT. But I couldn’t just leave. Because what would people think? Wouldn’t they think I was weird? Leaving would make things tense between me and the other person present. Which would make things tense with everyone else there, too. Which could possibly endanger a really good friendship. And I would look like a total freak! I didn’t want any of that to happen, but I REALLY didn’t want to stay where I was and risk losing something way more valuable than a friendship and whatever everyone’s idea of me might be. 

But it came to point. A point where I had to decide: me or everyone else. And that’s when I found it. I found the voice inside me. I found that side that really IS the woman I am. I found that voice, and that voice said, “Fuck whatever everyone else might think, because I know what I want. And what I want, what I believe in, is worth more than a casual friendship or trying to keep everyone happy.” And I won’t pretend that it came easy, I won’t pretend the boldness came to me right away. It was one of the hardest things to do…until I did. And then it was the easiest thing in the world.

And I wish I had been able to speak up when I first figured out what I was getting into, but I couldn’t. I was scared and so used to using that weak side in situations like this. I was so accustomed to caring so much about how my decisions might affect the way people look at me, that it made finding that boldness, that voice, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I AM that strong…I always have been. I just never really owned it. I guess maybe I never encountered a situation where choosing myself over everyone else was that imperative.

I wish it hadn’t taken this ugly situation for me to finally take hold of who I am. I wish I didn’t have to feel dirtied to finally believe in myself. But I would do it again in a heartbeat just to be able to hear the bold, strong person that I really am make a choice.